the impetus for getting my shit together

THIS is worse than sleeping in the kitchen of a drug maker/dealer. he at least had the decency to share his wifi password. instead i find myself renting the room from a mexican family, the brother wants to charge me to use the wifi he pays for. it reeks of weed, which i don’t really mind but if i go to an interview and smell of it i’m going to be fucked. i find myself again living in a shitty living situation. what brought me here? saying unforgiveable things to my dad who has an anger problem and talks to those he supposedly loves like he is about to rip their head off. but i shouldn’t judge, right? i’m not exactly in the midst of a crisis. i have limited money and time, but isn’t that always the situation in this fucked up capitalist society we live in? this one is just terribly uncomfortable since i no longer find myself in the comfort of my parent’s house. a part of me feels regret, that i should have stayed longer, that i should had better planned this out. but no, why on earth would i make a logical decision like that? i’m bipolar, manic symptoms include impulsivity. i want to blame it on the bipolar disorder. which is a diagnosis from one doctor. i think i’m just an idiot, who has yet again made a stupid, impulsive decision. why must life feel this stressful? i’m not hanging from a cliff, holding on to the edge for dear life, yet it feels like this and my body is tense. i feel anxiety, i feel sad, i feel desperate. but a part of me is hopeful. moving out of my parents house is a sign of progress, growth. i asked god to provide a job, full time, quickly and near azusa, the town i now live in, and sure enough i found a listing, applied, and have an interview next tuesday. now if only i was this specific with god about my living situation. knowing what i want has always been a problem. i believe our life is a reflection of the inner world we carry within. there is chaos around me because there is chaos inside me. but i have hope. i am trying to stay focused. i meditated for ten minutes, which i haven’t done in a long time, and felt relaxed afterwards. it’s crazy that this life is our own. that we make it what we want it to be. i truly believe that.


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