on being humbled

IT’S truly humbling when the world is pulled out from under you. it strips you to your bare essentials, and you are forced to question how you got here, and why. i’ve been applying to jobs, drinking coffee, and applying to more jobs. my housemates are not exactly ideal, but who is, really? people are people. some get along better than others, but i cannot complain. i’m just glad i don’t live on the streets. i either suffer from a severe case of co-dependency or i’ve just lived under a rock for the past 10, 20 years, nay, my entire life. the beauty of a striking smile, the adorable man walking four adorable fluffy dogs, a woman wearing bright colors on this gloomy march day are more potent with beauty and deep meaning for me than they have ever been. i slightly exaggerate, but in the moment my eyes met with these unbeknownst to them, it was truth. the fragility and exposure of life keeps in me wonderment, and i remember that life is like a game, we’re big kids on a playground, playing the game. juxtaposed wealth does intimidate me, but it is all an illusion. everyone gets rained on, we all piss and shit and are all going to die one day. i’ve been in this position before. being hospitalized. when even your basic rights are dictated by nursing and psychiatric staff. clothes are an expression, money is a tool, life is a dream and nothing makes sense anymore. but it does, life is simple yet complicated. the answers are everywhere, but mostly in my cup of coffee. i do believe outer life reflects inner life, inner being. but fate throws in the mystery. people stuck in simplicity amuse me. but i’m not judging. their fixed ways serve their purpose i suppose, maybe it works and maybe it doesn’t. momentary monetary gain, energy in currency, material possessions carry their weight. while i wait, i’ll enjoy the scenery and take in the beauty and the ugly. work rewarded with rest. this is life.

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