time well spent

I feel sad and tired. burned out. restless. under stress. i’ve been going to the gym consistently since i’ve moved out of my parents house, nami classes and meetings. i’m at a starbucks, feeling unmotivated and a bit hopeless. but i know this is a feeling and that this too shall pass. i’m not dead. i’m not a bum on the streets. but i don’t know how to spend my time or money wisely. i just need a fucking job that i won’t give up on. is this life? just a struggle? i meet with my therapist today in the comfort of her aromatherapy essential oil filled office. another optical illusion of time well spent. what is time well spent? i hate my current living situation and hope to get out of it as soon as possible. i don’t want to be driven by hate but if that is what will get me out of this than so be it. i keep wanting a knight in shining armor to rescue me but that isn’t going to happen. or maybe it will. who knows. discomfort is about growth, so they say, but i don’t feel like i am growing at all. one point of reassurance is a calla lily is growing in the front porch of the place i am renting a room from. this flower follows me where ever i go, or where i need to be. i wish i knew what my purpose was in being here. deep down i know that any where i go there will be a problem, something to complain about. there always will be something. maybe i’ll just stay in this room forever and have disrupted sleep for the rest of my life. maybe this is a season of sleeplessness. i just wish it was due to boning some hot guy all night and not because my housemate is obnoxiously loud. if it was the weekend i would understand, and he is this hard working man who works hard and plays hard. but no, he just gets high all day, and every fucking night, plays loud music or has loud company over. his room is adjacent to mine and the walls are thin. i almost want to adapt the attitude of can’t beat em, join em but i need my fucking sleep. i’m literally just sitting in a coffee shop quietly complaining to about 10 wordpress readers. was this time well spent?

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