I FAILED

FIGHT or flight, and i fled. i couldn’t handle the room. the loud housemate and other things i am too embarrassed to mention. i freaked out. i feel like a failure because i am living back home with my parents. i did get a job and i start monday, so that’s good. hopefully i will stick with it and not find myself in the same “i don’t know where i am going and what i am doing” state. i still go to the gym everyday. i even went to a yoga class on sunday, it was intermediate which i am no where near, and i did i don’t know how many poses, where every problem existed turned into droplets of sweat and me remembering to just breathe. inhale. exhale. the instructor told us to to set an intention before we began and mine was just to relax. i worked to relax. the last pose laying on the floor was well deserved after all the bending and stretching and holding. i’m just glad i didn’t injure myself in the process. one step forward, two steps back. my therapist is new agey. and so am i to some degree, i do believe that we attract what is in our lives so i am embracing this person i have drawn in. she had oracle cards at our last session and had me shuffle and lay out four. the christian in me felt weird about the whole thing but i went with it anyway. the cards reflected my situation exactly. gimmick? coincidence? demons? satan? energy? i don’t know. if i was a materialist i would say they are just cards laying on the ground and it was merely coincidence, but the content did reflect my circumstance and was encouraging in what i need to do but it is something i already knew. how limiting “energy” reading is! give me prophetic dreams and visions. i’d rather work for GOD than satan or demons or whatever the hell tarot/oracle cards are. like a rubix cube. stuck, primary colors going nowhere, sure you can bring it order but it is just a cube. nothing grows nor changes. no progress. the only thing i found beneficial was the encouragement but i can get that from a bible verse. what you’re reading, dear reader, is my christian self struggling. i’m not a christian. i used to be. but i still believe. i think.

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