mid march madness

TODAY i feel tired and unmotivated. i went to the gym and had a good work out but i live with a bunch of energy draining vampires. as much as i love them, and need them in my life, i absolutely need independence from them. i hate that my very frame of mind is based off of escaping family ties. it has been this way since i can remember. i have always wanted to run away from home. i feel shackled and i’ve constantly tugged away, but i know i put myself back in this position, i freely locked my wrists and am struggling to set myself free again. i still don’t understand how life works. i struggle with codependent issues. i was strong in living in that room and just going to the gym each day, even using the showers at the gym to get ready for the day. life is how we design it. to whatever capacity we’re capable of doing. how funny and easy it is to spew theories and self help shit, but actually putting this shit into practice it ultimately comes down to just doing it. i went to a NAMI meeting yesterday and one girl there was my complete alter ego, the first thing she says when introducing/checking in to the group was “hello i’m here because i’m a loser and don’t have any friends” i seriously wanted to burst into laughter when she said this, the delivery of how it was said, her entire outfit, telling it like it is just amused me, i had to hold back laughter. i didn’t want to offend her or anyone by laughing out loud at a person in a place of authenticity so i kept it in. regardless of my stupid sense of humor, i’m very grateful for going to the group, and hearing everyone’s stories and how they cope with having various mental illnesses. some people are in better places than others, one underlying theme is it is a constant struggle, some days are just worse than others. i’ve experienced this all week, i had an incredibly productive day on thursday, then i just crashed friday, i was very reluctant to go to the meeting but i always hear something i could relate to or that is encouraging, and it gives me hope. there’s a particular person there who just personifies positivity and taking action. he inspires me to go to the gym everyday and someone i would like to emulate. broken people are authentic people. comfort kills. i’ve murdered myself again by moving back home.

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