YESTERDAY it was painful on the elliptical but it felt good afterwards and i saw my gym “boyfriend” i.e. hot buff dude that goes regularly that i remember from the last time i went to the gym which was months ago. anyway, part of training for the 5k is doing elliptical work or cycling two days a week and i chose the elliptical. tomorrow is rest day. work has been super busy since it is the start of the second summer session and we are just flooded with students with questions and all of that and i just want to hide away and not see anyone.
I FEEL SAD today. all this morning, afternoon and now evening a grey cloud has loomed over me and i just want to cry. i’ve been listening yaeji’s
‘passionfruit’ dj remix version which is weird because it is already a remix..? aside from that a very grey and tanned man asked to use the computers today. he looked very strange and had strange, exaggerated features. nice guy, nevertheless and talked of the weather being hot and how it is is nice and cool in the library. majority of the students are young, just out of high school …young and full of hope. the worst and last thing i want in the world is sympathy. really it is just adding insult to injury. is it pride? i don’t know, maybe it is but i really, really dislike when people feel bad for me which tends to happen often. today is just a sad day. i think i just feel overwhelmed by everything going on in my life or lack therof. i’m stuck in this feeling of helplessness, of not being able to break from it and i have no idea how. what’s worse is no one gives a shit. but that could also be a good thing, i suppose. i’m left to my own ocean of despair, riding out the waves until they dissolve and dissipate. another day, another day.
SATURDAY i went to the library, slept, watched stranger things, slept some more, then went for a 30 minute walk, and now i am typing away at a blog. i feel good that i walked in spite of this warm weather, there was a pleasant breeze and the gradient of the sky was nice to take in.
SUNDAY is a rest day, technically my walking/run plan doesn’t start until monday. so for now it’s laundry, writing, reading, recalling strange dreams. my plan is to run/walk in the early mornings or evening time when my work shift ends early. the program i am beginning on the 15th incorporates cross training days as well so my gym membership will come in handy. it is violently bright outside and i have errands to run that i failed to do this morning since i opted to sleep in. OMG it is too hot to do anything. i ran my errands around 130pm and this heat is just ridiculous. i bought running shorts, tops & a sports bra at target.
HAPPY MONDAY! today i walked at 630am, my alarm went off at 6am but i hit snooze until 630 and finally got up. i did not want to walk this morning. but i got on my work out clothes, my iphone and sunglasses and braced the morning cool air for a 30 minute walk. i still feel tired and want to go back to bed but i am going to stay awake, i bought starbucks coffee this morning, hopefully that will wake me up. tomorrow i cross train then rest wednesday then walk again on thursday, cross train on friday & walk on saturday. i’ll begin running after two weeks. it sucks being overweight, but i know with consistency i can lose the weight. i’ve done it before, i can do it again. i usually lose weight easily but i know the body changes with age so that could be different now. either way i am going to stick with this so i can run the 5k on oct 26. i know diet plays a big role in all of this as well, and that chocolate croissant i had this morning is not helping, but i will slowly but surely rid of sweets and fast foods from my diet…baby steps!
INSPIRED by my sister who lives in missouri, i decided to sign up for a 5k as motivation to walk/run every morning. this blog is not motivation enough for me to get my ass up and go every morning, so i figure i have something tangible to work towards. i sip a cold green tea and feel tired as i write this. i listened to an interview with jesse itzler, an entrepreneur and book writer of sorts, but it’s always weird when the intention of the interview is to get spoon fed answers to pathways of “greatness” or to “become legendary,” i mean sure there were pockets of good information discussed, but even as he said in the interview, you can’t cut corners, you have to respect the process, etc. everyone’s journey is different, and everyone is trying to monetize something to survive. the biggest takeaway i took from the interview was that life is short, our days are numbered. this alone makes me want to act on impulse and do something crazy like quit my job and move to santa cruz but i won’t do it. an even crazier thing to do is stick this job out for as long as i can…go against my nature and commit to this place called work. so i’m reading articles on how to train and prepare for a 5k. i was thinking of signing up for one in october which gives me three months to prepare. i think that is enough time. next day….yeah i could never keep a daily blog, i am way too lazy and have nothing useful to say. i don’t even want to do the 5k anymore…lol. LIFE. what am i even doing/saying anymore. i pay for a gym membership i don’t even go to. it is literally down the street from my house, i could walk there but i haven’t been in months. well i signed up for the run, a dia de los muertos themed 5k in downtown la…yay, i think. now to get my ass in shape and start running….even if i don’t feel like it.
WELL, they also sold new books, but the interesting ones were used. based in santa cruz, calif. it was the hub of the city, or one of many, where tourists and locals would flood in and ask questions like “can you provide a map of all the spots where they filmed ‘lost boys’?” coworkers brought in flowers, jars for their tea. where once an old hippie began reciting poetry: “she wears jasmine in her hair..” a column was for the weird, the mythical, the unknown, ufos. a section for santa cruz college, a group of intellectuals branched off from the university. how i miss working there! yet never felt i belonged there. we held tarot behind the counter, and a section that had books, like the one on laundering money. only the obscure and the obscene. sun tanned, but mostly burned being european, curly hair or thick black framed glasses. alarm…the sound of a dial tone interrupted her concentration. the memory of santa cruz, broken, she sits at a library, east of los angeles, a local community college, where her workers are also characters, but back to the used bookstore. sounds of jazz played during the day, but the young ones at night chose their choice of music to play..the cranberries or a metal band that he found randomly. the bookstore also sold records, and it’s share of films/dvds, but books took up it’s majority. walking in was like going into zen, a place of pure bliss, yet it was not short of ugliness, that was the beauty of it. “toughen up” …he told me in response to my response to someone who tried to steal some comic books. i stopped them, but it was not without dramatics. but not too much. i’m not one to make a scene, but i can be a bit of a drama queen. MISCELLANEOUS HIGH WEIRDNESS was the section that i earlier described. they also had a magic tricks section and another on pirates, philosophy languages, theatre…there are more that i have forgotten, but it is buried somewhere in my subconscious memory. the pretentious ones that worked there were inevitable, the authentic hippies and the disgruntled. which category did i fall in? doesn’t matter now since it has been shut down and turned to a brewery, from books to alcohol, a natural transformation.
IT WAS actually quite gloomy this morning. it finally cleared this afternoon, and i sit at starbucks not knowing what to do with my life or time, but what else is new? consumption, that is the only thing i am good at. i went to a figure drawing class and think i disrupted the seating flow, as some people seemed a bit irritated that i got a good spot on the side of where the model poses…oh well, first come first serve, buddies. anyway. i stayed in pomona at a victorian home that was among a cluster of other very cool, uniquely made homes. i miss it already! but it definitely had a weird vibe. it was built in 1897, had a lot of charm and character. i basically frolicked around pomona and claremont all weekend, watched the movie ‘yesterday’ which i may or may not do a half-assed review on. all i know is it was a cute love story or whatever but not convincing. chemistry is not easy to find. silver linings playbook was the last convincing love story/drama i have seen in awhile, unless there are others floating out there somewhere that i have yet to watch. i’m still catching up on stranger things and have not gone to season three, i’m at the end of season one. i’m always slow and last place when it comes to anything in life, that’s just the way it is. my mother, who is an aspiring actress/filmmaker has been filming at our house all weekend and we basically all got kicked out so she could basically turn the house into a movie set. yeah. i need to move out. i didn’t walk yesterday, and since it is too hot to walk during the day i will go on a walk this evening, when it cools down. i bought this strawberry acai refresher and the old man that made it put way too much fucking sweetener but i feel bad having him re-make it. so extra sweet refresher it is. the movie ‘yesterday’ inspired me to go to the record store where i bought two albums by neutral milk hotel. i’ve been listening to this band since i was 15, you would think i would expand my horizons, but alas. i regret nothing.
MICHAEL appeared at her window again. hey there! hi, michael. what are you up to this fine morning. i am still waking up, typing away at this keyboard trying to come up with something useful to say. useful? why write something of use unless it is a manual you are writing, or something “how to” but there is youtube for that. you’re right. we’re molded by memories but don’t get stuck in the past. michael, are you drinking again? i always do, he replied, taking another drink. what other state is there to be in than intoxication? i have a predicament, i’m in a predicament, i am a predicament! everything good has come from conflict. is that really true, i asked. just observe and you’ll find the answer to that. what is this predicament you speak of? aside from being stuck in the past, i live in a boring suburb with boring people, i feel so uninspired. i desperately want to fall in love. woah woah woah…wait. desperately WANT to fall in love? falling in love isn’t something you should want. love decides who falls when LOVE wants, and as you know, it is always when you least expect it. not true, i fall in love hard and easily with anyone that gives me the time of day…now that is desperation. listen, wait, no, i forgot what i was going to say. now i remember! you spoke of being molded, but you have to break through them first, you have all of these preconceived ideas of what love is supposed to be and how it is supposed to happen. why put love in a box? let the story unfold naturally, worrying about it will only delay it, or maybe it will happen this instant, this moment! love, there is plenty of it to go around for everyone. yet it is the most precious, invaluable, undefinable thing we have. you’re right, michael, all i can do is agree with you. NONSENSE! disagree, argue, tell me everything i just said is bullshit! this conversation is going nowhere. most conversations do. go nowhere that is. but it’s time well spent, is it not? you could be right…ah there i go again agreeing with everything you say!