Tag Archives: money

feeling good

NINA simone sings these words through my head phones. i do feel good after my morning gym ritual. puffy white clouds fill the blue sky, the foothills are green from all the rain that has poured over the san gabriel valley. another day filled with crazy people, rude people, weird people, nice people, young people, old people, pretty people, hideous people. hideous people are my favorite. more interesting to look at than pretty people. there is an aversion to both beauty and ugliness. i’m convinced everyone is my ex’s clone or relative in this town i somewhat grew up and find myself residing in once again. third interview next week, hopefully someone hires me!!!! i used to work at caltech and a position opened there in their library, i usually work in libraries, hopefully they will call me. blah blah hope hope yadda yadda. the drive thru coffee shop phenomenon. anything useful or poetic or any words to say elude me. the streets near my room were blocked off by police, news vans were there this morning. citrus college and apu pastors and azusans walk in and out of the walls where i lack in words. tinted windows with hidden drivers. please do get over yourself and quit hiding. who are you? what’s the point in anything? i still don’t know what i am doing or know what to do with my time. last night i missed going to a drawing class and did laundry at the laundromat instead which was a bad idea since it was so late and there were bums and random cholos drinking around the place. not safe and quite stupid of me to be there at night, it wasn’t that late, but still wasn’t wise. i need pepper spray.

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time well spent

I feel sad and tired. burned out. restless. under stress. i’ve been going to the gym consistently since i’ve moved out of my parents house, nami classes and meetings. i’m at a starbucks, feeling unmotivated and a bit hopeless. but i know this is a feeling and that this too shall pass. i’m not dead. i’m not a bum on the streets. but i don’t know how to spend my time or money wisely. i just need a fucking job that i won’t give up on. is this life? just a struggle? i meet with my therapist today in the comfort of her aromatherapy essential oil filled office. another optical illusion of time well spent. what is time well spent? i hate my current living situation and hope to get out of it as soon as possible. i don’t want to be driven by hate but if that is what will get me out of this than so be it. i keep wanting a knight in shining armor to rescue me but that isn’t going to happen. or maybe it will. who knows. discomfort is about growth, so they say, but i don’t feel like i am growing at all. one point of reassurance is a calla lily is growing in the front porch of the place i am renting a room from. this flower follows me where ever i go, or where i need to be. i wish i knew what my purpose was in being here. deep down i know that any where i go there will be a problem, something to complain about. there always will be something. maybe i’ll just stay in this room forever and have disrupted sleep for the rest of my life. maybe this is a season of sleeplessness. i just wish it was due to boning some hot guy all night and not because my housemate is obnoxiously loud. if it was the weekend i would understand, and he is this hard working man who works hard and plays hard. but no, he just gets high all day, and every fucking night, plays loud music or has loud company over. his room is adjacent to mine and the walls are thin. i almost want to adapt the attitude of can’t beat em, join em but i need my fucking sleep. i’m literally just sitting in a coffee shop quietly complaining to about 10 wordpress readers. was this time well spent?

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