a stone revealed that we teleport in transportation, transient transitions different scenes and scenery, redundant redundancy, ample amplification of misery, brought upon by the week set before me, mathematical beauty lost in markings made by mad musicians and physicists looking to psychics carried by fabric pieces lost in sheets sang by neutral milk hotel heard in a bell that fell from fives stories high to the ground repeated words genetics flow through me, all of this was said before me, computer coding and technology threw the wrench in the proverbial gears of the machine that runs everything, natural versus artificial edifices, we’re all a drifting conscious set to consume and buy, i miss my teen years when weeks weren’t as feared as they are now, and how i’d like to build a time machine a man and i said we would build one on a screen but never did, it was a lie, men lie all of the time. a reader in qatar is quite far to learn different languages but i already know them all, my mind has yet to reveal this to me, for now i am plagued with being unable to see, i’ve blinded myself from seeing the truth and instead talk nonsense and do nothing of use. carefully carved architecture designed to greet the eye with a point of reference, direction to a designated space, circumference, angled boxes that entrap us, protect us and act as a fortress, i’d rather stay asleep on a mattress i found a photo of a relative in old age laying in bed with a book in hand i miss my eccentric uncle that lives in a victorian home darkened by time that creaks when stepped in and says goodbye, i’ve been given things in increments and on silver platters in retrospect, but in the present everything is just a choatic mess, even the way i dress shows lack and laziness. forget about my hair, it has a mind of it’s own, grey hair is starting to grow. tired and cumbersome is what i am becoming, i have a gift in making things complicated and am constantly complaining. i can gather data but it’s sorting and sifting and making something creative or something of beauty that eludes me, i’ll take what i can get.
Tag Archives: novel
I need to be my own boss. getting up every morning for someone else, doing nonsensical, convoluted, pointless work that gets petty and where some people get nasty, forgetting that they are human beings with free will and the choice to do good, be good, and bring goodness to the world is making me feel tired and heavy. i’ve lived with this heaviness for a few years now but it feels more obvious to me now that i am working at a job i do not care for. i have made a goal to myself to write on this blog every day to improve my writing (i know in a previous post i said i would stay away from computers altogether, but it is something i will need to gradually come off of). i want to go back to school and finish my degree. i was a better writer in college, period. exposure to great writers and getting critiqued on works helped me tremendously. i have yet to find my own voice. i have one that comes out but it mostly doesn’t make sense and not something i wish to classify or put into a box. i’m an introvert, extroverts can go suck an egg, i am surrounded by them at work and it is exhausting. i don’t understand how people can be so nonstop in their talking and get energy from people. not to throw shade, but i am the opposite and get my energy from being away from people. i have a vision board that i am working on with various goals and aims, and phrases. i do believe in the power of manifesting, and have always been able to manifest. i manifested this job, so i will manifest becoming my own boss and bringing in my own income. negative thoughts and doubts are already plaguing my mind, but i know i can overcome them. i believe there is a muse, zone, where creativity comes forth and i have experienced it first hand, most of it is work though, and something i need to practice and keep doing, even if it is shitty. i don’t care how average my work is, well i do, but it is something i must do and keep doing. how easy it is for me to start a spark, but it’s keeping the momentum that is the trouble. i crash and burn. that is part of life, i suppose. but i don’t want to seem/sounds/be defeated. i’m not done and i do have things to accomplish, i have yet to try oil paints, i have yet to write a novel or a comic book. i wonder if these things are even something i want to do that i’ve put them off. or am i just lazy. i don’t want to be motivated by money. it’s no question that i must do art, drawing, the process despite the outcome. but i don’t want to spend my whole life questioning whether i am an artist or not. i just need to do it.
a vintage piece worn by entangled hair knotted up on top torn on a sheet of paper rifting between reality shadowed leaves on a wooden fence a breeze shifts moving making moves among the leaves, bright light rests yet sharpens, it dwindles it illuminates, it awakens it makes things hot or warm yet cooled by air controlled rooms instead of sitting i flew from another point of view to see below everything i knew, in dreams you’re at a distance always, the witch’s spell cast that barrier yet these words can easily break them into nonexistence your simply an apparition an imagination a romanticized eccentric and you know it but i hear the coughing of an old man tired from life that all he can do is nothing with his hands but watch himself age, time frames we’re in a year that has lost all meaning it merely collected. i’ll stand here, deep and distant from every notion i once thought i knew, and still know, and let it dissipate into butterflies, joy aching cries, can something great come from something stupid? what kind of person questions this, get lost in an abyss of confusion creating simple squares that fit into pairs but i thought by breaking up lines it would be better to rhyme instead i’ll clump it into one piece and button up my blouse that lays sheer upon my skin, like floating among the clouds. a lost impression among many impressions made by empresses who all look the same. a robin factory run by lost dreams, empty headed angels bursting at the seams because of hope they keep going and try to prove that they are something but no one cares, it’s worth noting, that i am aware but life is being, in pursuit of something. not just nicely parted hair with eyebrows down and a big ass to go around. where is this going? i’m back to not knowing and to wondering and going no where, there is progress the idea of it stands still on the other side of the room, waving hello, but when approached i look the other way with my eyes closed shut too afraid to face this man that lies an inch away from my face. is it G-d? is it love? is it myself? it is the pain caused by a pimple on my chin that popped up in the guise of the stress, or was it stress guised in the form of a zit? emotionally draining days that form chapped lips while the meds have kept my anger at bay, to be among the bay the beaches and waves, let it wash me away into the distance, the grey.
I always dream interesting dreams but then forget them immediately upon waking and it is back to this boring reality/existence called life. it’s 8:50 am and there is so much potential in a day. i could shower, get dressed, take the train to the beach and enjoy the waves. or i could shower, get dressed, do laundry, meal prep for the week, make a painting, organize my living space, etc. i instead have chosen to write. i woke up thinking of the missed opportunity with an artsy architect. i actually miss craigslist. as much as there were weirdos and freaks to be found on there there were some decent, interesting people also. why am i waking up complaining? i have a job i complained about wanting and now that i have it it is something i don’t want and will complain about. it’s too much work and the supervisor is mean. she’s bitter and just plain mean. probably from working there so long and ready to retire. but despite all of that, i will not give up or quit. i look at my job like constant waves that i need to surf/navigate and i am still learning. making art is the only outlet for a mundane existence. or maybe actual surfing is. before i went crazy i was doing a lot of meditation while listening to music intended to open your third eye/chakras. seek and you will find, ask and you shall receive. the world opened to me made sense at the time, i wish there was some way i could make sense of it now and make a comic book out of it or novel. or maybe i will let it remain a memory and just move on with my life. i struggle with anxiety and here i am with a giant latte from starbucks, and wonder where the anxiety comes from. i don’t want this to become a self-deprecating post but that’s where my mind often goes. self-hatred. the idea of loving oneself eludes me. i’m a repressed artist. i think anyone is capable of being an artist. but actual artists need to do art in order to live, like breathing. i have to write or paint or draw, otherwise i am just down and depressed. maybe i should take an art class. after years of isolation i have plagued myself with anxiety. i can’t even drive on the damn freeway without feeling the onset of a panic attack. even taking my nephews to the movie theatre gave me anxiety. maybe it is the use of too much computer all my life. i’ve always been glued to this thing. even at 13, i used the computer to chat with friends or read blogs. maybe i need to break away from the computer and re-aquaint myself to the “real world.” that’s nearly 20 years of constant computer use. that can’t be good for a person. and i don’t exaggerate. maybe i will devote the rest of this year to work, which is on a computer, constantly, and to writing, drawing, painting for the remaining hours i have in the day during the week. that means i would break away from this blog and all social media, which i have already, to some degree.
CAN you take us to see shazam auntie? my adorable faced nephew asked at 7 in the morning when i haven’t had my coffee yet and i’m on the way out. um, yeah i said with slight hesitation. that sealed the deal, i couldn’t change my answer as much as i wanted to after long logical thought about all the reasons going to see this movie was a bad idea. as predicted, the mass crowd, the loud ass speakers, terrible humor, action-packed fighting sequences and explosions all to distract about 100 people for two-three hours on a friday night from doing more useful things with their time. entertainment? mind control? mass control? that’s where my mind goes, but that’s probably because i’ve watched too many conspiracy theory videos. i sat in a two-seat section and was alone while my nephews sat away from me in another two-seat section until some goofy 19 year old basically jumped in the seat next to me, reeking of some weird cologne or deodorant and asked do these seats recline. i didn’t say anything. i don’t know how to talk to people let alone hormone filled teenagers still full of life and hope. i’m your typical weirdo, and i felt weird and out of place seeing this movie. when i was married my ex-husband loved going to these blockbuster films on opening day when there were large crowds and excitement. that’s probably why i divorced him. anyway, it was cute, cool, action packed, fun and genuinely funny at some moments. the fact that they put a dingy gentleman’s club in the mix was entertaining, or when the 13-year-old in a 30-year-old body asked a liquor store clerk for their finest beer. the guy who plays the wizard was cool and made me want to laugh. and i laughed when a lady disintegrated after touching a magical doorway into the wizard’s realm or whatever the hell it was. that being said, i never liked nor will ever like cgi. okay, never say never. i was always opposed to computer art until the comic 1602 was given to me and the art in that book was computer drawn. well, human drawn using computers. and i adore that comic book. so i have yet to appreciate cgi, although it is getting better with time, the artificiality of it is distracting. overall the film was fine, it was entertaining, just, next time i will say no.
i once spent a day in a castle made with garbage called rubelia here in glendora, twice i visited and twice i was entertained by talented musicians far from mundane. young people are attracted to artsy things, they’re the innovators or muses to those who innovate and create. two pink roses peek their colors outside beneath the shadows caused by bright light from the sun beaming on southern california. things often left out in the sun either grow or spoil, we’re probably doing both simultaneously while getting older. i saw a movie yesterday so terrible about a “brilliant” writer that i cannot even write a half-assed review about it. my sentences are so fragmented you would think i was hung over but i’m mostly medicated. my brain is susceptible to nonsense and gets distracted quite often. i’m a recluse and romanticized this person quite often throughout my life, the weird and the abandoned, the odd the unusual. i’ve loved them all greatly but little did i know i was one of them, or maybe i’m not, i’m torn between two worlds and wondering where i fit. so many inspirational quotes and self help guides plague my mind, too much reading of fiction has left me wanting works on algorithms. but even then my brain has slight and superficial interest, i’m only interested in the midas touch but i seemed to have been cursed with the reverse. i’m still figuring it out. what is art? what is poetry? what is constantly thinking? am i just lazy and avoiding doing things i need to do around the house? why haven’t i drawn or lifted a pen to sketch something. there are gaps, but who am i lecturing? i am playing with different narratives, just as there are different styles in drawing. i have yet to find my own but this is working, maybe my style is eclectic since i don’t associate with one thing. some i have control over and some of it is my subconscious speaking. an easter spent in santa cruz was worth remembering i was dressed in a peach colored blouse making other girls green with envy, but it’s all really silly. everyone has their own unique beauty. these are all just drafts of something better, right now you’re reading my stream of consciousness, should this even be published? most won’t read it or will find it boring but that’s okay since there’s no harm in trying. but i’m not really trying i’m just going with the flow of it.
drifting tendrils down the ant hills spiraling until filled with ample abyss dismissed by space fruits lay supine against a porcelain vase. light shines reflecting off objects objected by protection against elements of prose, verse literature language i suppose spoken by dykes in boots and oversized jewels adoring their frail bodies in limp clothing in santa cruz. mundane properties suffocate my sight my breath and body i sit still like a statue plagued with time and dust attracting views with a microscope. child like fearlessness is what i have been graced with but not possessed with my anxiety holds me tightly this poetry is getting corny but i don’t care, really. you can stop reading here or keep going, life is filled with seriousness and childlikeness and corniness, it’s what makes it what it is, if you find this please leave with this: you lose all cleverness after age 21 but redevelop it by 81 i don’t know what i’m talking about since im near neither age and i always am in a daze like ptsd, a bomb flew by me and i haven’t been the same but i’ve never been to war it’s always been internal, the eternal chore of life and striving to realize something, but it’s always missing, even when married i felt it’s absence, the presence of the white picket fence didn’t fulfill this, then murdered by a protestor and his gas mask, tight t-shirt and tight pants, simply a douchebag, but i romanticize everything i guess that is what writers do to bear their existence of doing nothing, i’m overwhelmed by possibility how simple is this platform called blogging the very context ruins the content but allow me to spill my drink over it and seep through its fixtures in fragments i owned a typewriter once that wrote in cursive i was cursed by it’s inked bearings, faded print that left me wanting in a trip i wrote another trope. books align their spine exposed to walls and heroes that sift through them expecting to gain something but really you lose more of yourself no, that doesn’t make sense.
I heart santa cruz. i don’t heart horror films. i feel life is enough like a horror movie that i get to see for free on a constant basis, so i don’t see a need for the horror genre in my life. i do like learning of weird shit, one trivia being rasputin’s dick was supposedly kept in santa cruz but it turned out to be a sea cucumber. another strange link to rasputin is someone at ucsc created an instagram feed of rasputin look-alike’s on campus. not sure what it is with rasputin and santa cruz but i thought that was a random connection, but i digress. learning of santa cruz as the backdrop for a horror movie caught my interest as mentioned in my previous post, so i went to see the film. the films i usually see at the laemmle are indie, but this one is mainstream so there was a larger and more diverse crowd at the theatre. overall i thought it was weird. i was mostly bothered by the fact that they put a car on fire in/near the beautiful seabright neighborhood, putting homes there at risk and damaging the street, but alas. i also lied in my last post, apparently they have filmed quite a handful of films in sc, lost boys being the most popular, or only one im familiar with. the opening scene was creepy and well done, but everything seemed distant, perhaps purposely from the perspective of the child’s, but even the boardwalk itself seemed empty juxtaposed to lost boys where extras were shoulder to shoulder cheering on the shirtless spandex wearing saxophone player. set in 1986 in the opening scene, they referenced that they were filming a movie on the other side of the boardwalk but the only proof of it was the lead mentioning it as the board walk seemed mostly empty and silent. i loved that they captured real lightning at the beginning sequence. i didn’t understand the rabbits, was this a reference to another horror film? i read peele put in a lot of references to other horror films. but again, this is a not so great horror fan writing here. i did like the psychological concept behind the “shadow” characters, but why limit people to binaries? he doesn’t do this with the plot twist at the end and leaves one confused about the hands across america reference. at least to me..?? that being said, i enjoyed all the actors playing their characters and the shadow characters. i didn’t get a real sense of santa cruz in the film, again with it feeling rather empty with sparse and dead locals, leaving a strange feeling and tone of the film, which if this was the director’s aim, he has certainly accomplished it.
LAST night i dreamt i was on a bus to santa cruz. i was admitted to university of california, santa cruz in 2009 and enrolled in the winter of 2010 as a transfer student. what i didn’t know was my life would be forever changed by this decision and the pandora’s box it opened and continues to open to this day. every time i moved back to this town shit would hit the fan, and several problems erupted. the harsh beauty of the place ignited one problem after the next. not enough money to live there, not smart enough to study there, all against the backdrop of the bay or wintry winds and rain of the season. my divorce was ignited there, my sister went crazy while i was there, i attempted to finish school there twice and failed greatly yet i still want to go back. maybe i love drama and conflict. maybe i am spoiled and want to be among the beauty and scenery and crazy characters that is santa cruz. i just heard that the film “us” takes place in my achille’s heel, although most of it was filmed in los angeles, and the house was filmed in pasadena. in any event, i love that the city to date has only approved of filming horror movies, the last and only one being “the lost boys” back in the 80s. i met a descendant of george washington there, i met my crazy ex roommate who has peter pan syndrome there, i lived there with artists and musicians and drug dealers. i want to create a new story with this backdrop. i want to live there and thrive. i don’t want to merely speculate and watch what goes on around me, i want to be immersed in the culture and people. i can’t do that here in the suburbs of la. i’ve said before that i believe the internal reflects the external. no matter where i go, problems will follow, maybe in different forms, but they will still be there. since i do live with family, and the backdrop here is plain and boring, i could build a better foundation, try to become the person i want to be and allow the details of going back to santa cruz, if that is what fate allows, to unfold and fall into place on their own. i don’t want to be distracted by memories and the should or could haves. there are many things i should and could have done. i should have stayed in school, said fuck you to my ex husband and let him leave. i had no support up there, my only support is here and only because i am here. i need to be my own support system. lost in an identity crisis or not, my niche is definitely the different that resides in the northern beach town by the bay.
ON march 24, 2018 i went crazy. i hung out with this guy, we walked around china town in dtla, had tea, and i was falling in love. the way he looked, the way he talked, what he talked about, i loved it all. he just wanted to get laid. and in retrospect, there was some things i didn’t like about him and in retrospect, why didn’t i just sleep with him. anyway, when he dropped me off at home i didn’t sleep all night and it was down the rabbit hole. i went to a nearby liquor store waiting for him to pick me up, and instead cops came and took me away as a 51-50. most of it is a blur now but i was decapitated at one point, moved things with my mind, kept shouting out for some man i’m obsessed with, thought the world was ending, was part of an underground movement at the hospital, zombies existed and so on. what a crazy experience and one i hope to never experience again. i recently found a packet they gave me, the er gives you an information sheet on the diagnosis for your visit, and mine was “brief psychotic episode.” a part of me wants to believe i could really move things with my mind, that there are ways to defy the laws of gravity and that we merely restrict ourselves with limited thinking and repetition of belief passed down from our ancestral genetics. my brain de-compartmentalized, fell apart, and everything i’ve experienced, collapsed into this ambiguous, strange trip. i feel burned out, sad. my job feels overwhelming and i feel like it shouldn’t, or doesn’t need to be. all these feelings and thoughts i’m imposing upon myself, and for no reason. it’s so easy to observe and psychoanalyze, but when you’re in the thick of it, the present moment, it feels like suffering. i feel like i’m depressed, heavy. my job is odd. one day robots will replace us all. i heard they want to tax water in the state of california. it will be air next. i miss my crazy roommate. i know there are people who have things worse. who have children to worry about and harder jobs to work. stressed out state of mind. all for money and because of capitalism. i’m so tired i can’t even think of things to write about. i checked out random criterion films, my ex husband and i used to watch films together with commentary and special features and shit so i am trying to do that again. our hobbies can become my hobbies. in the employee handbook at my new job they talk about their policies on employees having blogs and not talking about their company, etc. freedom of speech dudes. i doubt they will find this blog but if they do, oh well, so be it. i would like to publish a book one day and just live off of the residuals and not even have to work.