Tag Archives: novel

on love

MICHAEL appeared at her window again. hey there! hi, michael. what are you up to this fine morning. i am still waking up, typing away at this keyboard trying to come up with something useful to say. useful? why write something of use unless it is a manual you are writing, or something “how to” but there is youtube for that. you’re right. we’re molded by memories but don’t get stuck in the past. michael, are you drinking again? i always do, he replied, taking another drink. what other state is there to be in than intoxication? i have a predicament, i’m in a predicament, i am a predicament! everything good has come from conflict. is that really true, i asked. just observe and you’ll find the answer to that. what is this predicament you speak of? aside from being stuck in the past, i live in a boring suburb with boring people, i feel so uninspired. i desperately want to fall in love. woah woah woah…wait. desperately WANT to fall in love? falling in love isn’t something you should want. love decides who falls when LOVE wants, and as you know, it is always when you least expect it. not true, i fall in love hard and easily with anyone that gives me the time of day…now that is desperation. listen, wait, no, i forgot what i was going to say. now i remember! you spoke of being molded, but you have to break through them first, you have all of these preconceived ideas of what love is supposed to be and how it is supposed to happen. why put love in a box? let the story unfold naturally, worrying about it will only delay it, or maybe it will happen this instant, this moment! love, there is plenty of it to go around for everyone. yet it is the most precious, invaluable, undefinable thing we have. you’re right, michael, all i can do is agree with you. NONSENSE! disagree, argue, tell me everything i just said is bullshit! this conversation is going nowhere. most conversations do. go nowhere that is. but it’s time well spent, is it not? you could be right…ah there i go again agreeing with everything you say!

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blinded by the sun

THIS morning’s walk was not pleasant. i woke up an hour later than i did yesterday and you can feel the drastic difference in temperature and brightness of the sun. today was my 25 minute walk, too, but i did it anyway, and feel good about that. i looked up roommate ads on craigslist and may or may not find myself in a three’s company situation. i’d rather not, so i probably will not go through with it. i feel so uninspired and uninspiring. i’ll admit it, i had tommy’s burgers last night, and i am trying to break the habit of buying fast food when i get off my work shift. i work late so it is especially crucial that i avoid eating junk so late at night, and in general because it probably accounts for 90% of the reason why i feel like crap and depressed all of the time. SoCal makes it very convenient to grab fast food and go, it will take discipline, and i hope by posting about it, accountability to just stop. when i lived in santa cruz or kansas city, missouri it was easy to break the habit simply because fast food places weren’t on every corner of the street. baby steps. i began watching stranger things for the season 3 premier this thursday and got flashbacks of the hospitalization i’ve experienced when eleven got flashbacks of her hospitalization experience. lol. so strange to even say that i was once hospitalized. life is simple. i don’t know why it is so exaggerated in my head. people are people. the grass is green, the sky is blue. girls with bright colored hair make me happy. anyway, it is my hope that by mastering self-discipline with eating and walking, eventually running every day and continued practice with drawing i can slowly begin to find myself in the life circumstance that i want and will thrive in. but what does thrive even mean? life will never be easy. there is always something to battle or overcome.

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chaogenous

ADJ., BORN from or originating in chaos. new favorite word. found on the oxford english dictionary online, the school i work for has a subscription to this lovely goldmine and the above word was randomly chosen under the “lost for words” link, which i always am. if the guys i work with make me nervous, i really should find another place to work. and if getting here gives me near panic attacks, i really should find another place to work. but, free access to the oxford english dictionary? that should make up for it, right? i wonder if i’m going to pass probation. i don’t want to, i hope they fire me. it’s like this place is too good to be true and is, but it’s not. how do you pronounce that? chaogenous. honestly i’m just happy with the definition, not so much the word itself. should i just get high off the sharpie in my office? damn this is boring… also, i would never do that. i’m all talk no action. words can only elevate so much, reality is reality and it is freaking boring. oddly enough, time is going by fast. los angeles. blue highways. theology in america. psychoanalysis and personality. blood in my eye. the new golden bough. historia de la medicina. mythology. bookspines face me with these titles. maybe i’m supposed to be a library bum. someone who just goes to the library and reads and writes. this can’t be healthy, keeping oneself from interacting with people, hiding away in a cubicle. one of my coworkers described the job as already being retired. i’m not retired! i’m too young to be content, damnit. only old people have mastery of anything. or young prodigies. but even then they are creative, or constantly discovering or something. what about boring people who are given jobs, getting paid to do nothing? did i earn this? i haven’t yet bought posters or anything for my cubicle. this place isn’t home until i pass probation. until then…i don’t know. wish i was back in santa cruz. write a novel. draw a comic book even though my drawings are unrefined, do it anyway.

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walking

I BEGAN my walking/running journey today. i found a 7-week walking program online as preparation for running. i woke up from a gnarly dream around 6:30am and got up to walk. it felt good to move for a bit. now i have some time before i need to get ready for work. lo-fi hip hop beats play in my ear as a ponder the next thing to write about. it’s a summer morning. i’ve been missing santa cruz lately but walking really does ground you, placing you where you’re at. i walked along baseline road, near the freeway where i live so it reeked of car exhaust at first but then became the winding road among the suburbs that is this little town i live in. it’s odd to think about, i landed here 3 years ago as a temporary stay, yet here i am still. i drew a bit this morning (see previous post) and will continue drawing daily. i hope to get good enough one day where i can make my own comic book. i feel refreshed. REWIND, or is it FASTFORWARD? now i’m at work, in la. having had a near panic attack getting here, i suddenly feel the weight of sadness and not-knowing on my shoulders. i’m in touch with my crazy ex-roommate and tempted to leave work and just move back in with him in santa cruz. it’s sounds so stupid yet free-ing all at the same time. i’m going to give myself three days. if i feel the same in three days, i will give my work notice and leave. life is too damn short to experience it with anxieties and fear and stupid people rushing to go places. i wish i knew what i wanted. even if it is wanting to do something stupid, at least i would know what i want. everything takes time, too long. is everyone just miserable where they are? is anyone happy? why is life so hard?! what am i aiming for? what is my purpose? to gaze and walk around and draw things? i don’t know. i’m done pining and wondering. but i don’t want to do anything stupid, either. do i just suck it up and keep going? so much for peace and zen. i did see a nun driving in a jeep behind me, that was kind of relieving and funny. we’re all in this rat race together, i suppose. the day is half over, but it is only just begun. this is all just temporary, this too shall pass. screw LA. why do people even live here? i’m so over it.

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i turned 33 on monday + excerpt

I TURNED 33 on monday. the only epiphany i’ve had is, i am getting older and i do not want to get worse. worse how? health. attitude. mindset. etc. i told myself, during this downtime at work i would write a novel and free myself from the obligation of having a job. but is that what i really want? the only thing i can think of to write about is my experience going crazy, or living in santa cruz. i thought of writing a comic book, using santa cruz as the backdrop, and loosely basing the novel around my experiences there but also add classical myth/fantasy/sci-fi elements..maybe.

***

BLESSED by apollo when her mind went hollow, her senses skewed by serendipity. the poison brought upon by a con man and an unforgiving cup of tea. walking around china town talking about chinese populations, when in fact he was testing her attention. she knew there was a greater symphony at work, the orchestra building up in crescendo, this orchestrated work of apollo. her body is a portal, but it is already occupied, that’s when it took the breaking so she could die. the artifices built around the truth, the superficialities implanted by T.V., the minds of idiots, and music made for money. what is the truth? who are we? are we really actors on a stage, playing our role. waiting and writhing until life takes its toll on our minds, our bodies, our spirits, our hearts waiting for death to depart. i digress, i am not an empress, i am merely the messenger, blessed by apollo and for a moment Hashem himself.

three boys stood in Macy’s. my mom bought me this vest and i would like to return it. the second boy intercepted, hey do you have a recycle bin? i’m sorry we only have trash, she looked him in the eye when she said this. oh, for real? the well kept clean cut teen responded and walked away with his empty plastic bottle in hand. wow, these kids are environmentally conscious here, how great is that. the cashier took the receipt and scanned the IPC as she had been trained to do, and pressed away at the proper keys to complete the exchange for currency. broken poets don’t work well with machines, they either succumb to their power and break altogether or break the broken poet. would you like cash or macy’s credit back? i’ll take cash, the blonde boy with blue eyes said back. the cash she returned, and off he went never to be seen again.

***

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tired

“I”M NOT talking to you,” the don’t-fuck-with-me-or-i-will-deck-you-attitude student said to me, the lady had to have been in her 30s. my dear, you’re in college now, let’s fix up the attitude, i thought, but i kept my happy demeanor and let it brush off my shoulder. she later slid a book at me across the checkout counter “here you go,” with the same attitude. this library i now work for is nothing short of interest. everyone i work with is an extrovert, they have a lot to say, and i feel like i should be more talkative. i wonder how long i will last here. maybe silence is something i can offer, something needed since everyone just talks.

that was from day one or maybe two. i’m on day four of my new job and have no idea how long i will last. it is a good job, very secure with good benefits and all of that but i feel undeserving of it. it feels weird to have landed something stable after a long history of instability due to a divorce and being bipolar. all of my coworkers are nice people, the students, for the most part, are respectful and at that age where they are in their prime with wide eyed curiosity. working at this place makes me feel old and jaded, burned out, sad, tired. all of these are just thoughts, i know. i’m there to just work and make money, not daydream or reflect on how empty my life is.

that being said, if you’re reading this, pray that i last at this job, or think good thoughts. i feel nervous going to work everyday so far and i don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. my mind is filled with so much self doubt and negative self talk. its quite ridiculous considering how chilled and relaxed everyone is at work. don’t get me wrong, there is a lot to learn, and know the ins and outs of the library, i haven’t worked in a library in years, so it’s a refresher course. i can’t help but feel imposter syndrome, however, like i do not belong there, but i honestly can say that i feel that every where i go.

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being unemployed sucks

I gave my employer two weeks notice and it backfired. they cut me off. perhaps it is karma from all the jobs i just left without notice. now i have all this time on my hands before i start my new job (if i even have a a new job to start?) and i’m lost in thought. my lazy ass knows i should go to the gym but i don’t want to. i hate gyms. i’ll try to go on a hike tomorrow morning. i did develop a crush on one of the guys i’d often see at the gym. he’s probably compensating. jk. anyway. too much free time. i randomly started listening to the drums, a band this boy who liked me very much recommended a long time ago. he liked me a lot and i just used him. i feel bad about that. and karma has hit with that, he won’t even talk to me anymore. he was a sweet guy but really not my type. good sense of humor though, which seems to be hard to come by these days. i’m hitting 33 soon and i’m still nostalgic. i’ve always been this way.

I have so much debt. and it isn’t comforting to know that there are millions others who are in the same if not worse situation. debt is debt. my divorce didn’t help. being bipolar didn’t help. but my goal now, with the new job, is to focus on financial stability and taking care of my debt. i don’t have kids. i live rent free. i might as well make use of my situation. or, say eff it, that is part of life and move the hell out of my parents house. i really don’t know what i am doing with my life or how to navigate it. i read these numerology reports that said i am a born leader and should be an entrepreneur. i really just want to live a simple life. i don’t want to lead anyone anywhere. i made a line drawing today that just came out weird. my art, my writing is weird. i don’t think i am intelligent or creative enough to do these things yet i will continue doing them. some artists are worse or not that great and still they have their own studio and success. i don’t know what i want that is the problem. i think anyone can get what ever they want. if they don’t get it it’s because they don’t really want it. my problem is i am too dependent on people and circumstance, i need affirmations, reassurance.

HAVING so much time on my hands is making me think of march in 2018. meeting with that man in la and subsequently going crazy shortly after. like really, what the fuck. am i that love deprived i fall in love easily with some douchebag and then become a 51-50 the next day. if we ended up together talk about a start of romance. he really was just a douchebag trying to get laid. i liked him, nevertheless. but why did i go crazy. it was the anti-depressants which apparently induce manic episodes. stupidest experience ever, really. and embarrassing. i did feel a heightened sense of clarity the last day at the hospital, and the feeling of being trapped, locked in began setting in. how our environments shape our thinking. i need to get over all of this. and move on with my life. but i can’t deny what happened. it was scary and tripy and something i hope never to experience again. i remember that there was a sagittarius and a picses. i remember being very wide awake, still in mania, until 4 am. hardly getting sleep. i still wonder if any one besides my mom visited me while i was in ER. someone came close to me, i don’t know who it was, it could have been one of the staff nurses messing with me, it could have been G-d, it could have been no one. it shall remain a vague memory, that night of insanity.

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blah

I wrote an angry post the other night about how sick and tired i am of all of it, of life, and how i need jesus in my life. i was a dedicated christian a long time ago, very spiritual and always praying for people. i mostly abhor a lot of churches i’ve visited these days because they act like church is for comfort or entertainment, when it really should be focused on communing and having a relationship with G-d, encountering him, and living in his purpose in all aspects of comfort or discomfort. idk. i need to study the bible more and look into finding a good church to go to. i am in yet another transition in life between jobs and finding a new place to call home. something needs to be stable. i don’t know what it is, the weather or just people i have been surrounded by, but i feel so damn depressed. the man i’m in love with is a psychopath in santa cruz who doesn’t love anyone but himself, and my therapist is a new age chick who pulled guidance cards for me and it told me love was imminent in my life and marriage is soon but that just made me more depressed. LOL. been there, done that. i need inner peace. i was listening to sadghuru and he talked of people who have made a hell within themselves are in need of a heaven, but people who have heaven within themselves don’t care where the hell they are or go. i have the worst fucking menstrual cramps. hormonally imbalanced. my sisters are crazy. life is unpleasant enough, why should i add to it? how much more necessary it is to be pleasant. binaries. i tried driving to the college i will be working at last night and i couldn’t make it the whole way. i’ve had a panic attack on the freeway so i don’t go on it often and take the streets. but even the streets give me anxiety. the unfamiliarity of places, the aggressive drivers. i don’t understand the energy of needing to rush somewhere. or why aggressive drivers even bother me. that’s giving them power and i am drained of energy to give away. i want to learn to be able to flow with it. and not be overcome by it. it will be a slow but necessary process. i can’t let fear run and ruin my life.

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to the people passive aggressively liking my “I need to go back to school.” post

FUCK YOU. jk. it’s all good. i DO need to go back to school. people probably aren’t passively aggresively liking anything. but for the record, my posts aren’t edited. i read through them once or twice and just hit the publish button. these are all first drafts, not well edited manuscripts, so yeah that is probably why i ended up dropping college and why my posts come out so half assed and not well written or clearly thought out. even my professors in college commented on how my papers read like fragments but they added that what i wrote was good, so at least there is something of substance in these writings. maybe studying chicanx art history, or just too much time away from school, has made me rebel against writing well-written long grammatically correct and correctly punctuated sentences. or i’ve read too much damn literature that i’ve given up. all the greats have composed anything worthwhile anyway, why follow rules and convention? but alas, as in art, one must know the rules in order to break them, and i barely got by on knowing the rules. learning latin also screwed me over as far as grammar is concerned. the latin langauge has no articles and word placement doesn’t matter, well it does in terms of emphasis, but not in meaning, as in english. aside from all of that nonsense. today sucked. i don’t care what fucking day it is. people were just straight up dicks today at work. to top it off i got rained on then dealt with more dicks and dumb asses on the road. it’s just water, people! what the hell is wrong with everyone when it rains? just complete and utter stupidity and lack of courtesy or on the flip side, complete and utter entitlement. ugh!!!! okay i’m done. nope i’m going to complain some more. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. back to better writing. the only thing i took to heart from william strunk’s elements of style was to be concise, to the point. what good is it to drone on and waste people’s time? or at least one’s own time. this is all a moot point. that’s the problem with writing. it feels so set in stone. context definitely matters, but it feels limiting also. which is why i prefer poetry, or vague writing, that leaves the reader to interpreting as they wish, and leave an impression. regardless, writing has rules that one must follow, to some extent. perhaps it’s my lack of structure in life that i’ve been drawn to books and libraries. a place of refuge. art was the deviation from this, it’s a sanctified space but also a place to express, and anything goes as art isn’t so well defined yet there are rules and realities to overcome.

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east la

MIJA you just push the door open! the latino father i never had told me as i tried to get access to the mcdonald’s restroom. my dad is latino but he isn’t THAT latino, although he is from east la, him and my mom are odd exceptions of the population that resides there. or maybe they’re not. in any case, here i was in east los, preparing before going in to interview, i usually stop at a nearby starbucks or a coffee shop but there wasn’t one in sight, so mcdonalds was the next best thing. there’s definitely a vibe to this area, every place has one, but i can’t quite categorize where east los, or the place i interviewed at, falls. it’s predominately hispanic, which is strange to me even though i am hispanic, i am not cultured in my own background/heritage. i studied chicana/o art at uc santa cruz and i remember one of the students saying this was an outsider’s perspective. east la has a history and you can still feel it. the accents are a turn off. working there would be cool. there was a panel of six people which i was not expecting, but i think the interview went well. i wasn’t expecting to be interviewed either but i received the invitation out of nowhere and accepted. in any case, maybe life will direct me through to a new, yet familiar place. i’ve mostly resided in the suburbs of la, never at or near the heart of it, so it would be an interesting change, something new to experience. i ended up taking the train home, which was a bit long and arduous making my way back to the san gabriel valley, interesting to people watch, the characters that go on and off the train, stopping at different points along the way. i need a muse or drugs because even exposure to the graffiti, the king taco, the cluttered streets i’m unphased by it all. i did think of that guy i walked through chinatown with, he went around la taking photographs of street art. i think the medication i am on has contributed to this numb feeling and lack of enthusiasm. i used to be a passionate person, but i am not sure what happened, i can only speculate on the loss, or the change in the person i am becoming. my problem is i over think, i just need to do, i just need to push the door open.

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