YESTERDAY it was painful on the elliptical but it felt good afterwards and i saw my gym “boyfriend” i.e. hot buff dude that goes regularly that i remember from the last time i went to the gym which was months ago. anyway, part of training for the 5k is doing elliptical work or cycling two days a week and i chose the elliptical. tomorrow is rest day. work has been super busy since it is the start of the second summer session and we are just flooded with students with questions and all of that and i just want to hide away and not see anyone.
I FEEL SAD today. all this morning, afternoon and now evening a grey cloud has loomed over me and i just want to cry. i’ve been listening yaeji’s
‘passionfruit’ dj remix version which is weird because it is already a remix..? aside from that a very grey and tanned man asked to use the computers today. he looked very strange and had strange, exaggerated features. nice guy, nevertheless and talked of the weather being hot and how it is is nice and cool in the library. majority of the students are young, just out of high school …young and full of hope. the worst and last thing i want in the world is sympathy. really it is just adding insult to injury. is it pride? i don’t know, maybe it is but i really, really dislike when people feel bad for me which tends to happen often. today is just a sad day. i think i just feel overwhelmed by everything going on in my life or lack therof. i’m stuck in this feeling of helplessness, of not being able to break from it and i have no idea how. what’s worse is no one gives a shit. but that could also be a good thing, i suppose. i’m left to my own ocean of despair, riding out the waves until they dissolve and dissipate. another day, another day.
SATURDAY i went to the library, slept, watched stranger things, slept some more, then went for a 30 minute walk, and now i am typing away at a blog. i feel good that i walked in spite of this warm weather, there was a pleasant breeze and the gradient of the sky was nice to take in.
SUNDAY is a rest day, technically my walking/run plan doesn’t start until monday. so for now it’s laundry, writing, reading, recalling strange dreams. my plan is to run/walk in the early mornings or evening time when my work shift ends early. the program i am beginning on the 15th incorporates cross training days as well so my gym membership will come in handy. it is violently bright outside and i have errands to run that i failed to do this morning since i opted to sleep in. OMG it is too hot to do anything. i ran my errands around 130pm and this heat is just ridiculous. i bought running shorts, tops & a sports bra at target.
HAPPY MONDAY! today i walked at 630am, my alarm went off at 6am but i hit snooze until 630 and finally got up. i did not want to walk this morning. but i got on my work out clothes, my iphone and sunglasses and braced the morning cool air for a 30 minute walk. i still feel tired and want to go back to bed but i am going to stay awake, i bought starbucks coffee this morning, hopefully that will wake me up. tomorrow i cross train then rest wednesday then walk again on thursday, cross train on friday & walk on saturday. i’ll begin running after two weeks. it sucks being overweight, but i know with consistency i can lose the weight. i’ve done it before, i can do it again. i usually lose weight easily but i know the body changes with age so that could be different now. either way i am going to stick with this so i can run the 5k on oct 26. i know diet plays a big role in all of this as well, and that chocolate croissant i had this morning is not helping, but i will slowly but surely rid of sweets and fast foods from my diet…baby steps!
INSPIRED by my sister who lives in missouri, i decided to sign up for a 5k as motivation to walk/run every morning. this blog is not motivation enough for me to get my ass up and go every morning, so i figure i have something tangible to work towards. i sip a cold green tea and feel tired as i write this. i listened to an interview with jesse itzler, an entrepreneur and book writer of sorts, but it’s always weird when the intention of the interview is to get spoon fed answers to pathways of “greatness” or to “become legendary,” i mean sure there were pockets of good information discussed, but even as he said in the interview, you can’t cut corners, you have to respect the process, etc. everyone’s journey is different, and everyone is trying to monetize something to survive. the biggest takeaway i took from the interview was that life is short, our days are numbered. this alone makes me want to act on impulse and do something crazy like quit my job and move to santa cruz but i won’t do it. an even crazier thing to do is stick this job out for as long as i can…go against my nature and commit to this place called work. so i’m reading articles on how to train and prepare for a 5k. i was thinking of signing up for one in october which gives me three months to prepare. i think that is enough time. next day….yeah i could never keep a daily blog, i am way too lazy and have nothing useful to say. i don’t even want to do the 5k anymore…lol. LIFE. what am i even doing/saying anymore. i pay for a gym membership i don’t even go to. it is literally down the street from my house, i could walk there but i haven’t been in months. well i signed up for the run, a dia de los muertos themed 5k in downtown la…yay, i think. now to get my ass in shape and start running….even if i don’t feel like it.
IT WAS actually quite gloomy this morning. it finally cleared this afternoon, and i sit at starbucks not knowing what to do with my life or time, but what else is new? consumption, that is the only thing i am good at. i went to a figure drawing class and think i disrupted the seating flow, as some people seemed a bit irritated that i got a good spot on the side of where the model poses…oh well, first come first serve, buddies. anyway. i stayed in pomona at a victorian home that was among a cluster of other very cool, uniquely made homes. i miss it already! but it definitely had a weird vibe. it was built in 1897, had a lot of charm and character. i basically frolicked around pomona and claremont all weekend, watched the movie ‘yesterday’ which i may or may not do a half-assed review on. all i know is it was a cute love story or whatever but not convincing. chemistry is not easy to find. silver linings playbook was the last convincing love story/drama i have seen in awhile, unless there are others floating out there somewhere that i have yet to watch. i’m still catching up on stranger things and have not gone to season three, i’m at the end of season one. i’m always slow and last place when it comes to anything in life, that’s just the way it is. my mother, who is an aspiring actress/filmmaker has been filming at our house all weekend and we basically all got kicked out so she could basically turn the house into a movie set. yeah. i need to move out. i didn’t walk yesterday, and since it is too hot to walk during the day i will go on a walk this evening, when it cools down. i bought this strawberry acai refresher and the old man that made it put way too much fucking sweetener but i feel bad having him re-make it. so extra sweet refresher it is. the movie ‘yesterday’ inspired me to go to the record store where i bought two albums by neutral milk hotel. i’ve been listening to this band since i was 15, you would think i would expand my horizons, but alas. i regret nothing.
MICHAEL appeared at her window again. hey there! hi, michael. what are you up to this fine morning. i am still waking up, typing away at this keyboard trying to come up with something useful to say. useful? why write something of use unless it is a manual you are writing, or something “how to” but there is youtube for that. you’re right. we’re molded by memories but don’t get stuck in the past. michael, are you drinking again? i always do, he replied, taking another drink. what other state is there to be in than intoxication? i have a predicament, i’m in a predicament, i am a predicament! everything good has come from conflict. is that really true, i asked. just observe and you’ll find the answer to that. what is this predicament you speak of? aside from being stuck in the past, i live in a boring suburb with boring people, i feel so uninspired. i desperately want to fall in love. woah woah woah…wait. desperately WANT to fall in love? falling in love isn’t something you should want. love decides who falls when LOVE wants, and as you know, it is always when you least expect it. not true, i fall in love hard and easily with anyone that gives me the time of day…now that is desperation. listen, wait, no, i forgot what i was going to say. now i remember! you spoke of being molded, but you have to break through them first, you have all of these preconceived ideas of what love is supposed to be and how it is supposed to happen. why put love in a box? let the story unfold naturally, worrying about it will only delay it, or maybe it will happen this instant, this moment! love, there is plenty of it to go around for everyone. yet it is the most precious, invaluable, undefinable thing we have. you’re right, michael, all i can do is agree with you. NONSENSE! disagree, argue, tell me everything i just said is bullshit! this conversation is going nowhere. most conversations do. go nowhere that is. but it’s time well spent, is it not? you could be right…ah there i go again agreeing with everything you say!
THIS morning’s walk was not pleasant. i woke up an hour later than i did yesterday and you can feel the drastic difference in temperature and brightness of the sun. today was my 25 minute walk, too, but i did it anyway, and feel good about that. i looked up roommate ads on craigslist and may or may not find myself in a three’s company situation. i’d rather not, so i probably will not go through with it. i feel so uninspired and uninspiring. i’ll admit it, i had tommy’s burgers last night, and i am trying to break the habit of buying fast food when i get off my work shift. i work late so it is especially crucial that i avoid eating junk so late at night, and in general because it probably accounts for 90% of the reason why i feel like crap and depressed all of the time. SoCal makes it very convenient to grab fast food and go, it will take discipline, and i hope by posting about it, accountability to just stop. when i lived in santa cruz or kansas city, missouri it was easy to break the habit simply because fast food places weren’t on every corner of the street. baby steps. i began watching stranger things for the season 3 premier this thursday and got flashbacks of the hospitalization i’ve experienced when eleven got flashbacks of her hospitalization experience. lol. so strange to even say that i was once hospitalized. life is simple. i don’t know why it is so exaggerated in my head. people are people. the grass is green, the sky is blue. girls with bright colored hair make me happy. anyway, it is my hope that by mastering self-discipline with eating and walking, eventually running every day and continued practice with drawing i can slowly begin to find myself in the life circumstance that i want and will thrive in. but what does thrive even mean? life will never be easy. there is always something to battle or overcome.
ADJ., BORN from or originating in chaos. new favorite word. found on the oxford english dictionary online, the school i work for has a subscription to this lovely goldmine and the above word was randomly chosen under the “lost for words” link, which i always am. if the guys i work with make me nervous, i really should find another place to work. and if getting here gives me near panic attacks, i really should find another place to work. but, free access to the oxford english dictionary? that should make up for it, right? i wonder if i’m going to pass probation. i don’t want to, i hope they fire me. it’s like this place is too good to be true and is, but it’s not. how do you pronounce that? chaogenous. honestly i’m just happy with the definition, not so much the word itself. should i just get high off the sharpie in my office? damn this is boring… also, i would never do that. i’m all talk no action. words can only elevate so much, reality is reality and it is freaking boring. oddly enough, time is going by fast. los angeles. blue highways. theology in america. psychoanalysis and personality. blood in my eye. the new golden bough. historia de la medicina. mythology. bookspines face me with these titles. maybe i’m supposed to be a library bum. someone who just goes to the library and reads and writes. this can’t be healthy, keeping oneself from interacting with people, hiding away in a cubicle. one of my coworkers described the job as already being retired. i’m not retired! i’m too young to be content, damnit. only old people have mastery of anything. or young prodigies. but even then they are creative, or constantly discovering or something. what about boring people who are given jobs, getting paid to do nothing? did i earn this? i haven’t yet bought posters or anything for my cubicle. this place isn’t home until i pass probation. until then…i don’t know. wish i was back in santa cruz. write a novel. draw a comic book even though my drawings are unrefined, do it anyway.
I BEGAN my walking/running journey today. i found a 7-week walking program online as preparation for running. i woke up from a gnarly dream around 6:30am and got up to walk. it felt good to move for a bit. now i have some time before i need to get ready for work. lo-fi hip hop beats play in my ear as a ponder the next thing to write about. it’s a summer morning. i’ve been missing santa cruz lately but walking really does ground you, placing you where you’re at. i walked along baseline road, near the freeway where i live so it reeked of car exhaust at first but then became the winding road among the suburbs that is this little town i live in. it’s odd to think about, i landed here 3 years ago as a temporary stay, yet here i am still. i drew a bit this morning (see previous post) and will continue drawing daily. i hope to get good enough one day where i can make my own comic book. i feel refreshed. REWIND, or is it FASTFORWARD? now i’m at work, in la. having had a near panic attack getting here, i suddenly feel the weight of sadness and not-knowing on my shoulders. i’m in touch with my crazy ex-roommate and tempted to leave work and just move back in with him in santa cruz. it’s sounds so stupid yet free-ing all at the same time. i’m going to give myself three days. if i feel the same in three days, i will give my work notice and leave. life is too damn short to experience it with anxieties and fear and stupid people rushing to go places. i wish i knew what i wanted. even if it is wanting to do something stupid, at least i would know what i want. everything takes time, too long. is everyone just miserable where they are? is anyone happy? why is life so hard?! what am i aiming for? what is my purpose? to gaze and walk around and draw things? i don’t know. i’m done pining and wondering. but i don’t want to do anything stupid, either. do i just suck it up and keep going? so much for peace and zen. i did see a nun driving in a jeep behind me, that was kind of relieving and funny. we’re all in this rat race together, i suppose. the day is half over, but it is only just begun. this is all just temporary, this too shall pass. screw LA. why do people even live here? i’m so over it.
THAT’S IT. i am done complaining. well, probably not, but i will be complaining while also improving. i’m 33 years old and have dealt with a life time of being overweight, and it is time to face this life long issue. overeating and carrying the weight of it around wherever i go. i’m going to document my progress, not with before and after pictures but with entries, how i’m doing and feeling. this cycle needs to end. i also want to begin running. i had a brief phase with running when i was thinner and living in missouri. i can’t keep allowing my circumstance and environment dictate how i live my life. i want to be the creator and maker of my own existence, of my life that is, the way it is lived, what i eat, how i utilize my time, and master it. there are so many facets of my life that need improvement, spiritual, intellectual, my relationships that are basically non-existent. i’m not trying to turn into another health, self improvement blog, but i really am tired of the BS. this is about as raw as it gets, and i don’t imagine it will get any prettier. i prefer raw and real anyway. i also want to improve my art, how i draw, realism. so i will be posting my hideous drawings and scribbles even if it is just a line, something, anything needs to be done! i really am surprised these people hired me. they obviously saw potential, something, and that gives me hope. but i’m tired of feeling punked by my work, by coworkers, even though all of it is in my head. it’s time to master the art of working, using time well, mastering my thoughts! a crazy man with an injured eye babbled on to me for about 20 minutes about being in the vietnam war, writing novels, going into real estate etc. i don’t know what that has to do with anything, but damn it there are people out there under worse circumstances with better stories to tell but everyone has something to contribute. i like the idea of being put on this planet with a mission, that i have a purpose to serve humanity, or trees or animals, anything! i really don’t want to be a babbling crazy person either! if that is my destiny so be it but i at least want to look good and be in shape! i’m excited to begin this journey of weight loss and self improvement. time to get organized, and hopefully improve my writing as well, since i will be devoting a daily post to writing about my progress. I will begin, monday, july 1st. the weekend will be when preparatory work will get done and i have nothing to lose.
I CAN’T live like this. yes, this is probably just a bad day, but this getting up early, driving to la, living with my parents, i just don’t know how much longer i can take it. last time i dropped everything to live with a man in santa cruz it failed big time, but only because i gave up. there will be bad days, hard days to get through, and they just have to be endured, there’s no escaping it, there is no easy way. unmedicated robin would say fuck this and leave to santa cruz but i am pacified by pills, restrained by responsibility, but left wondering what is this all for? in the grand scheme of things, i have been blessed with a good, stable and secure job. but why? i wish these people didn’t hire me, i wish i never interviewed. i am aware that i have another post titled “being unemployed sucks” being employed sucks too, everything sucks! i feel like i’m being held up by crutches that are falling apart, ready to collapse. “don’t feel that way” i just overhead a coworker say, in the other cubicle. these are all just feelings. just because my coworker is an asshole doesn’t mean i have to quit my job, just because i do not talk very much and therefore, i am avoided by people…well, that doesn’t sound good. am i just this miserable person? no matter where i go, whatever the backdrop, i will always be unsatisfied. honestly i am just tired. living at home with crazy adults and children is draining. no room to breathe. this is all temporary, is my new mantra, this too shall pass. these feelings will pass. they suck, but they won’t last forever. it’s friday, i guess this is the week’s last hurrah before it let’s me escape for the weekend. the hour is nearly over, each minute ticks by and i am just complaining. on the clock, turning in time cards, paperwork, paper earned, time off, time driving, back on the clock, and the cycle continues.